Home Is Where The Heart Is... On The Bus

A good sign I need to move: I was stoked about 50-degree weather today.

So... A-Rod admitted he took steroids, Chris Brown punched Rihanna, and Clay Aiken came out within the last five years. Yet, you won't be hearing about any of that here. Because I have more important things to discuss.

First off, the three-ply toilet paper experiment has been completed. And let me say, you should probably pass on it. Just not a positive experience overall. I mean, I guess it was okay, but sometimes there is a such thing as too much thickness (that's what she probably didn't say). It was just kind of uncomfortable. Learn it from me: there's no need for three-dimensional toilet paper.

I made a terrible omission last night as far as the Grammys go. WHY THE HELL WAS NEIL DIAMOND ON STAGE? I mean really... did Cyndi Lauper cancel? Jimmy Buffett? I think I would've rather seen Kenny Chesney play the entire show with a fork than see Neil Diamond up there. I completely forgot about this destruction of the human brain because I literally forced myself to forget about it by using one of those mind eraser things from Men in Black (and PCP). But then I was reminded of it today. And I'm worse-off because of it.

You know what I really hate? When somebody says "no pun intended", yet it's almost impossible to figure out what the actual pun/joke was. It almost absolutely guarantees that there was a badly intended pun.


-Jay

It Has Never Once Chosen Me? Maybe You're Right

Last night I partook in a plan to kidnap one of my best friends. It was unsuccessful (his womanlike reactions somehow led to him pushing the panic button on his car). Moving on.

My Knicks beat the World Champion Unbeatable Awesome Ridiculous Only Going to Lose Four Games This Season Celtics last night. Just gloating a little.

Wow, I really don't have a whole lot to say right now.

I'll go with this: Third-Hand Smoke. That's right, apparently smelling like smoke is also harmful. Smokers are endangering their children just by wearing clothes while they smoke. And that lingering stale smell that stays in your hair or bathrobe... it kills babies. It says it right there in the article.

You know what else is harmful? The fucking sun.


Most Played Artists of the Week (according to last.fm)
1. Hot Chip
2. Crystal Castles
3. T-Pain
4. Vampire Weekend
5. City and Colour

Most Played Songs of the Week
1. "Keep Fallin" Hot Chip
2. "Therapy" T-Pain feat. Kanye West
3. "Alice Practice" Crystal Castles
4. "M79" Vampire Weekend
5. "Shining Escalade" Hot Chip


P.S. Somebody please tell me they saw the Sugar Bowl (Texas - Ohio St) today. #77 for Texas had the sickest mullet I've seen in like a year!

One Night to Be Confused

Sometimes life makes my head hurt. Even on a day that I pretty much spent switching between laying on the couch and laying in my bed every hour. I should feel safe on a day like that.

I'd like to start out with a couple things.

First off, on a kickoff with about 20 seconds left in the half in the Arizona-Atlanta NFL PLAYOFF GAME, I heard the unthinkable. University of Phoenix Stadium (home of the Arizona Cardinals, who needed a swimming supplies store to buy out the remaining tickets for an NFL PLAYOFF GAME so that there wouldn't be a local blackout) was playing "Leavin'" by Jesse McCartney not only before the kickoff... but during the play! The tackle was almost made before the song was turned off. AN NFL PLAYOFF GAME! I move on.

Charles Barkley has always been controversial. He's punched fans in the face, gambled away tens of millions of dollars, has been seen chugging bottles of Patron, criticized just about every person to have ever played a sport, criticized his alma mater for not hiring my boy Turner Gill, among like a million other things. Now he got caught with maybe the most mentally-devoid DUI arrest in history. Basically, he got pulled over by the cops for a suspected of DUI. Pretty standard, until you hear the rest of the story. These are the various rumors that have been attached to this incident (most of these coming from deadspin.com and Awful Announcing, wonderful sites, google them):

• he refused to take a breathalyzer test, but got blood tests taken that will probably prove him to be guilty anyways
• he told the cop that he was driving fast (and running a stop light) because... well lets ask the officer who wrote his report (from The Smoking Gun): "He asked me, 'You want the truth?' When I told him I did he said, 'I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job. He then explained that she had given him a 'blow job' one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life." Well then.
• they found a loaded gun in his vehicle, which they immediately seized
• they also found a box of bear claw donuts. Go figure.
• reports say that he spent that night (before the incident) partying in a V.I.P. lounge with Michael Strahan and Jaleel White... yes, the guy who played Steve freakin' Urkel!

Somebody give me Charles Barkley's number... that sounds like a night and a half! Hell, give me Urkel's!

Needless to say, at this moment, Barkley is still working for TNT Basketball's pre-game show. Barkley can choose any of his normal excuses: the race card, the "I warned you I'm not perfect" card, the "I don't get paid to be a role model" card, or the "I can do it as long as I can afford it" card.

Anyways, an awesome NFL PLAYOFF GAME is on right now, so I think I'm gonna watch it.

Peace.

Snow

I hate snow. Easily in the bottom 5 least favorite things in my life right now. I'll try to recount...

JAY'S LEAST FAVORITE THINGS RIGHT NOW:
1. Brett Favre
2. Slow Internet Connection
3. People who love snow
4. Snow
5. The fact that I enjoy that "Just Dance" song

You might ask why the people who love snow are ahead of the snow itself. Clearly, it's because not only have they made a bad decision to like snow, but they also have a complete disregard for the fact that they enjoy something in my top 5 least favorite things.

I just hate being snowed in. I hate driving, I hate snow... so when you combine the two it's just about my least favorite thing ever. Except Brett Favre.

Way too pissed off to write anything coherent or interesting.

So in the meantime read my new favorite blog ever Club Trillion. It's written by like the 15th man of the Ohio State basketball team, and it is absolutely hilarious. This is exactly what I'd be doing if I was put in a barely marginally famous position.

Well...

Well shit. It's been like a week since I checked in. So lets just get back into the swing of my rambling.

Overall, the funniest sports-related story of the year thus far.
Everything about this story makes me laugh, especially the little head-to-head picture lineup they gave. I'm surprised they didn't give some shit like:

Joe Sakic

• 5'11"
• 195 lbs.
• 39 years old
• 2001 Hart Memorial Trophy Winner

Toro CCR 2450 GTS Snowblower

• 4'6"
• 200 lbs.
• 3 years old (refurbished by manufacturer)
• single-stage gas engine

Seriously, you want to feel smarter? Keep reading the sports news:

Derrick Rose needs 10 stitches from cutting an apple

Through and through, Derrick Rose has been my boy since he was playing high school ball. But Jesus y Jose y Maria Christo, REMEMBER THAT YOU LEFT A KNIFE IN YOUR BED!

There we go, I just made a "stupid athletes" section and didn't even say anything about the person whose name rhymes with... Flaxico.


In the meantime, do yourself a favor and listen to my Ultimate 100 Playlist. You're going to love half of it, hate a quarter of it, and get extremely intoxicated off the final 25%. Trust me. Just don't drive after. It's a felony, kids.

Or just listen to:
Broken Social Scene - Almost Crimes
Asher Roth - Roth Boys
Wale - W.A.L.E.D.A.N.C.E
Atmosphere - Dreamer
Alexisonfire - Polaroids of Polar Bears